I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
