they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
My code for I need help will be if I'm holding a bud light lime..
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
