Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
