party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
Spider just rapelled from her vag rethinking online dating.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
I drank beer out of some sort of animal horn all night, then we fucked to a "viking metal" album. I feel like I should go pillage something to complete the Norse trifecta.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
