Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I just recommended that the library purchase the first major hentai with tentacle porn. Really, I'm doing everyone a favor.
Randomize
