Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
