I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
