Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
