i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
What are you doing and how can I add sex in there
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
We smell like vodka and hangover
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