R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
he high fived his dick after we had sex
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