i just walked passed a table of guys by myself.. they looked @ me talked and then yelled 7
id pin you as more of an 8
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
