Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
Randomize
