I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
I've got your keys and your panties. You can have one back. Your play honeybuns.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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