Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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