Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I broke out the Krispy Kreme, and am possibly having random internet sex in less than an hour. I think I got this breakup under control.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
It's rum buckets o'clock
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
