I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
Randomize
