A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
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