how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
so I am that guy with the red solo cup in class. someone has to step it up.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Is it just me, or do you see your penis in that hand?
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
btw...it's noon and i'm sitting here drinking wine and eating pixie stix. I really need to find something to do...
Randomize
