I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden
She's got a legit dose of dude going on
No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
