seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
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