Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
