Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
Is re-gifting a Valentine's Day present worse than re-gifting a Xmas one?
You're unbelievable, unbelievably awesome.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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