Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
She needs sedatives and a leash
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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