we were spooning and you were the big spoon but you insisted that I call you "the ladle"
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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