I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I'm going to fix your towel rack. I broke it while I was dancing on it.
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Randomize
