i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
It's finals week and I'm halfway done with this bag of wine and don't plan on stopping. Say goodbye to my GPA
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
