I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I need a beard to bite.
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
