seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
