True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
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