i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
Randomize
