I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
This couple is walking their pig around campus
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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