I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
