I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
