Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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