And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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