Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
lets put it this way..we'd win on tool academy
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
