Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I'm bringing home frosties. I need to talk about butt stuff.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
Randomize
