I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
Got high and weighed everything in the house. My head is 16.2 pounds. Is that ok?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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