Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Randomize
