I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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