If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
They left around 10:00 this morning. I've been naked since 10:01.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
Randomize
