She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
