I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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