there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
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