I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
