You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
You should kill a bro for me and drag his carcass home so I can study him.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
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