Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
cat food counts as protein by the way
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
