Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
she woke up with a sticky ear
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Sorry I punched you in the throat. You got in my way. You understand.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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