I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
It was horrifying, i havent seen a girls mouth open that wide since that one episode of Goosebumps..
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
