Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm sitting here listening to fat joe and doing kegels I have given up
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
