Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
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