take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
