Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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