My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
