He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
