Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Just when I decided to go get a taco and a blunt cake it starts raining. Coincidence? or divine intervention?
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
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