i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Randomize
