I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
Brb crying the tears of my youth
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
Randomize
