The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
My brother walked up to us as we were making out and was like "hey man, go to town!" and winked
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
I dunno what's worse, that one guy here said he'd blow somebody for Tim Horton's right now, or that someone else looks like they want to test his sincerity.
Come get me, I'm fucking scared.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
