i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Banged former boss. Adulthood achievement unlocked.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
