I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
Randomize
