Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Randomize
