I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I mean I made my therapist laugh so hard she cried....so yes, my life is literally a joke to everyone
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
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